Most people know me as a very positive enthusiastic person who embraces life. Lately I have been letting the cloud of homesickness engulf me and I haven't really been that person...I miss that person. I miss being all bright and positive. On Saturday I was super hyper and I realized later when I was talking to my sister...I haven't been that happy since just after I moved here. What changed? Then, on Sunday when we finally went to church and I was listening to the sermon which was based on the reading from 1 Corinthians 15:54b, 55.
"Death is swallowed up in victory. O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?" I realized that I had been letting death have victory over my life. I have pretty much stopped doing my morning devotions and I rarely put on worship music during the day anymore. I have been listening to lies and letting myself be depressed and negative. I have been pushing down my real feelings and not listening to the truth. Then last week I got a letter in the mail from my dear friend Katie Blum. And she told me not to be afraid to whine, complain, vent, and rant to people I trust and that got me thinking. I feel like all I have been doing is complaining...but I haven't. Not to my friends anyways. Just to myself and how healthy is that? Then last night I got terrible back spasms and this morning I am set up on the floor all drugged up and feeling horrible and realizing that this is a wake up call for me. I have so much to be thankful for! I have so much to praise God for. I need to choose life everyday and fight against the death that tries to swallow me up. I need to wake up every morning and declare life over myself, my husband and our life here. I need to tell depression to get out and be a light amongst the darkness.
I started this blog wanting to keep people up to date with our life and many times I have started to write something like this and stopped thinking "no one wants to hear this, they just want to know what we do day to do." Boring! So, starting today I am going to start afresh. I am going to stop listening to lies and listen to the truth. I am going to embrace life and love where I am! I am sure that homesickness is still going to creep in when I see pictures on my niece and nephews, when I see my friends doing fun things, when I talk to my mom. But I can choose life. So I am going to!! :)
Thank you for your prayers and little notes of encouragement. Every once in awhile I get an email or letter and it lifts me up. :) Thank you for those. I will try to send my own as well.
Bethany...I luff you. This post is so incredibly truthful, and exactly the kind of thing you SHOULD be posting here. Who cares about tea and scones or Austin Minis or castles, when THIS is what's really going on with you while you're there? The tagline on this blog says "...this blog is about our life and all that includes." ALL being the operative word.
ReplyDeleteYes, you can choose life. Embrace it! Live it.
But also listen to Katie: when the rain comes...you know you can still whine and complain to us.
Thanks for the honesty Beth! It's ok to feel homesick and sad even during the midst of adventure. Because sometimes adventures don't feel like adventures - they can feel hard, and boring, and leave you asking, what's the point?!! But then there's always moments - like when you and Donovan visited the town that J.R.Tolkiens lived, and you're like, yes, this is why I'm here. This makes it worth it. I'll be praying for you Beth, and I'll be praying for new close friends that you and Donovan can share and have fun with, so you won't feel so lonely. Thanks for the encouraging note about choosing life and joy over death!
ReplyDeleteMy dear friend! Have grace for yourself, you are ploughing new ground and starting from scratch. That's alot! And it's ok that it's hard and lonely and that you feel discouraged. Like shara-Rae said, that is so much a part of the adventure. When the sense of adventure fades and your left with reality! But you are on such an exciting journey and God brought you there for a reason! The reason is not to make you strong on your own, there is LIFE for you and Donovan there! There are specific friendships, there is a specific church body, there is a community, a job for you and a job for Donovan! It's like a treasure hunt! Haha that's fun, right? I will pray for a ray of hope for you - that finally you would see your roots break through the ground. You will push through! Love you!
ReplyDeleteThank you my dear friends! I have read these a few times and they lift me up, even my own words of decleration do. Thank you for still being my friends even though I don't see you very much anymore!
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